„Dziecko z bliska” – czyli o szacunku do własnych dzieci

Wybierając się nad morze, otrzymałam swoją przesyłkę pełną książek dotyczących dzieci i relacji z nimi. Podzieliłam książki na 3 grupy: te, których nie zabiorę, te, które chcę zabrać oraz te, których nie jestem pewna czy brać na pierwszy ogień. W drugiej grupie była książka Agnieszki Stein „Dziecko z bliska”, ponieważ do zajrzenia zachęcił mnie opis, a dodatkowo papier, który nie jest śnieżnobiały, więc nie będą męczyły mi się oczy czytając ją na powietrzu.

Książkę czyta się bardzo lekko i przyjemnie, ale zawiera wiele fagmentów, nad którymi warto się pochylić, a już na pewno zaznaczyć je ołówkiem, zakeślaczem czy  po prostu kartkami samoprzylepnymi.

To znakomita pozycja o bliskości, komunikacji i szczęściu, które możemy czerpać z kontaktu z naszym dzieckiem. Czytając książkę czujesz, jak sama autorka pociesza Cię i poklepując po ramieniu motywuje mówiąc: „Dasz radę”.

Kim jest Agnieszka Stein?

W wielkim skrócie, Agnieszka Stein jest psychologiem dziecięcym, doradza rodzicom i profesjonalistom, którzy chcą wesprzeć swoje dzieci w rozwoju. Przekazuje im informacje dotyczące potrzeb dzieci oraz sposobów na budowanie z nimi relacji opartych na szacunku i zaufaniu. Pasjonuje ją rodzicielstwo bliskości oraz to jak można korzystać z jego narzędzi w relacjach z dziećmi w każdym wieku – od narodzin do dorosłości.

Trzy obszary związane z rodzicielstwem

Książka podzielona jest na trzy obszary, gdzie każdy z nich jest obszernie opisany. Są to: RELACJA, REGULACJA i ROZWÓJ.

RELACJA

W tej części autorka skupiła się na tym jak nawiązywać więzi z naszym dzieckiem, a w dalszej kolejności jak o nią dbać. Wiele miejsca w tej części zostało poświęcone potrzebom oraz poczuci bezpieczeństwa. Agnieszka Stein wspomina również o tym, ze nasze dzieci mają silną potrzebę autonomii i znają swoje granice, co powinno być przez nasz szanowane, tak samo jak my byśmy tego oczekiwali od innych.

„Miłość do siebie jest jak mięsień, potrzebuje treningu, żeby dobrze działać. Za każdym razem, kiedy człowiek próbuje wybaczyć sobie to, że nie jest doskonały, troszczy się o siebie, pozwala sobie na to, żeby robić to, co daje mu radość, widzi swoje błędy jako cenną informację, a nie dowód własnej słabości, jest mu łatwiej kochać siebie bezwarunkowo. Taka miłość wymaga też przyjęcia w odniesieniu do samego siebie tej samej prawdy, która ważna jest w stosunku do dzieci. Z miłości i pod wpływem akceptacji ludzie zmieniają się łatwiej i chętniej niż pod wpływem krytyki, strachu czy złości. Trenowanie kochania innych pomaga także w pokochaniu samego siebie, bo jeśli wszyscy ludzie sa dobrzy i zasługują na szacunek, to przecież ja też” (s. 121).

REGULACJA

Tutaj autorka wspomina o rozwiązywaniu trudych sytuacji wychowawczych, ale również o nauce samoregulacji naszych emocji – co wielu może się przydać. Przeczytamy tu o dziecięcym płaczu czy o tym jak wyażana jest złość. Również o karach i nagrodach oraz konsekwencjach jakie płyną z ich stosowania – czyli o obszarach jakie są obce rodzicielstwu bliskości.

„Zaufanie do własnych emocji jest podstawą dobrego funkcjonowania człowieka, bardziej nawet niż wysoka samoocena, czy przekonanie o swojej wyjątkowości. Dziecko, które akceptuje siebie i to, co czuje, rozumie, skąd biorą się jego emocje, nie boi się komunikować ich i prosić o pomoc. Potrafi pokazać, kiedy nie podoba mu się to, co je spotyka. Nawet kiedy nie jest możliwe zaspokojenie wszystkich potrzeb i poradzenie sobie ze wszystkimi swoimi emocjami, zakomunikowanie ich i spotkanie się z akceptacją pomaga dziecku lepiej radzić sobie z tym, co się z nim dzieje” (s. 153 i 154).

ROZWÓJ

W tej ostatniej części, przeczytamy o tym jak wspierać rozwój naszych dzieci, ale również i jak obcowanie z dziećmi wspiera nasz rozwój.

„Wiek rozumu to koncepcja stosowana miedzy innymi w prawie kościelnym. Oznacza ona taki moment rozwoju dziecka, około 7 lat, kiedy zaczyna się być ono zdolne do refleksji nad swoim zachowaniem oraz dokonywaniem wyborów moralnych. Nie oznacza to ukończenia rozwoju i pełnej samokontroli, ale jest przełomowym momentem w rozwoju społecznym i emocjonalnym dziecka” (s. 245).

Reasumując

O Rodzicielstwie Bliskości mówi się dużo i coraz więcej. Jak każda „metoda” wychowawcza ma swoich zwolenników i przeciwników. Wielu przeciwników uważa, ze zawarte w książce porady można zastosować przy jedynakach mając czas po pracy dla jednego dziecka. Przy większej gromadce może być to awykonalne. Osobiście uważam, że przeciwnikami kieruje brak wiedzy i zrozumienia dla RB. Książka potrafi nadać kierunek, w którym należy podążać, bo Rodzicielstwo Bliskości w rzeczywistości chodzi o dawanie prawidłowych wzorów, szanowaniu drugiego człowieka. To wraca do rodzica i innych z otoczenia.  Nie chodzi tu o uleganie dziecku, ale dawaniu i sobie i jemu prawa do potrzeb, ich wyrażania, złości, czy własnego zdania. Natomiast, żeby to zauważyć trzeba to praktykować.

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